People in love make me want to vomit
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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