12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
