Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
