and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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