3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Hippo gnu deer
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
