I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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