Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
