so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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