Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
