I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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