I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I've blown a few things in my day
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
