Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize