If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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