is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
