Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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