evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
