Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
