It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
