I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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