if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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