Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
