I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
