girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
