I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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