Jerry, you need to find god
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
