Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize