Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
