I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
