I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Randomize
