halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
