Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize