So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
