If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
