It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
