Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
