At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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