you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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