I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize