Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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