youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
