This is the prime rib incident all over again
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
