now i know why i became what i already was.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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