Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I use my feet as sexual weapons
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He did a backflip because drugs
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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