Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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