It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
