My boss' voice literally gives me gas
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
