Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
