I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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