Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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