your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
