Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
