Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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