my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize