I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
