I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
