You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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