Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
