anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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