Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
