How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
