Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
