so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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