and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
