You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
