I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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