I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
not ubering you a puppy
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
