clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
