I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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