In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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